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I’ve been thinking about running for Prime Minister. Traditionally, we’ve elected blokes with bushy eyebrows. Or ones known for making mush in their pants while they wait in line at McDonald’s. They’re always talking about how to help countries I’ve never even heard of, like The Economy, where even is that? And shouldn’t we be focussing on important things like finances? That’s what I would do.
About two thousand years ago, some bloke wrote this big book. He must have gotten bored before he finished it because he invited some of his mates to write some verses in it for him. One fella by the name of Timothy 16:10 (surnames were so strange back in the day) wrote some that I found particularly interesting.
Timmy said in one of his verses: “money is the root of all evil”, but I don’t think that’s right. I reckon it’s a lack of money that’s the root of all evil. Well, that and people who drive PT Cruiser convertibles.
To remedy this (the lack of money, not the PT Cruiser drivers), my first order of business as Prime Minister will be to subsidise the price of vehicles by 100%. In doing so, I’ll be allowing Australians to focus on saving their money for important things. Like beer, car parts and houses with fifteen-car garages. This cunning plan will boost the back pocket of Aussies so much so that I reckon it’ll all together eradicate vehicle theft and the need to sleep next to your 4X4 with a shovel, so no one does the Harold Holt with it, creating healthier relationships and a happier community.
Obviously, I need to wait for an election before I can be voted in to fix Australia and its car theft crisis. Luckily, that never seems to take very long, by my calculations we’ll be having our next election within the fortnight.
To help keep your pride and joy safe until then, here are some tips and tricks that’ll ensure it stays where you parked it! Unless it’s a LandCruiser with a dodgy handbrake.
“I’ll be allowing Australians to focus on saving their money for important things. Like beer, car parts, and houses with fifteen-car garages”
Immobilisers
Basically, immobilisers prevent the vehicle from being started by anyone who shouldn’t be starting it. Most modern cars today come with some form of immobiliser fitted as standard. However, as with all things, there are always retrofits and upgrades out there!
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When they work, they’re great. When they don’t work they’ll prevent even the owner from driving the vehicle so ensure you have it installed by a professional or it’ll almost certainly leave you stranded on the tracks one day.
There are thousands of immobilisers on the market today. To ensure you’re buying the right one, make sure it adheres to the Australian Standard (4601:1999).
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Trackers
A lot of Aussies have loved the LiveTrack Stealth that Ultimate9 brought out. They’re the same team who brought out the iDrive Throttle Controller, so making things that pack a punch in a small package is what they’re good at. At around the $299 mark, they’re a worthy investment that allows you to set up geofences, track your vehicle in real time and receive notifications when the vehicle senses motion or begins moving.
There’s been a host of people who’ve chucked Apple AirTags in their vehicle in lieu of a GPS tracker. Whilst this will work in some cases, it’s not what I would recommend doing. Without giving a whole tech-talk: Apple AirTags and similar devices work by relaying the location of the AirTag by utilising the network of other passing Apple devices. That means, even if there are updates, they could be extremely infrequent. If no one is walking by your vehicle with an Apple device, there won’t be any updates at all.
Elec-trickery
I’m sure we’re all well-versed in how easily our vehicle can be crippled by a simple fuse or relay blowing. Well, why not use that to your advantage? By locating and removing fuses for things such as fuel pumps, starter motors and ignition, the vehicle will be prevented from starting. Thieves need to get in and get away quickly, and they’re extremely unlikely to whip out a scan gauge or pop the bonnet and start problem-solving.
While this tip is a little more fiddly, it’s a great and free option for when you’re intending to leave your vehicle for a few days.
Kill-switches
Kinda like some of the aforementioned elec-trickery but more permanent. These can be touch and go because any thief worth their salt should be able to identify the switch and bridge it pretty quickly.
But again, it comes back down to timing and a well-hidden one or even one wired to your starter motor and one to your fuel pump should get them sweating and hopefully, walking away empty-handed.
Someone with a bit of automotive know-how can get creative and make a kill-switch that’s harder to find and more difficult to identify, but don’t attempt that unless you’ve watched at least forty-seven how-to videos on YouTube first.
Alarms
A reliable and loud alarm might be just enough to get a thief to run away and, hopefully, alert you to their presence. There’s plenty on the market these days that will link to your phone and alert you to someone’s unwanted presence. Even when you’re out of earshot. Alarms are generally cheap and easily fitted to older vehicles. If you drive a newer one – chances are your vehicle already has one installed.
Prevention is easier than a cure
Avoiding having your 4X4 stolen is a lot easier than trying to get it back after someone decided they wanted it more than you. One in seventy Australians learnt that the hard way last year. But don’t worry – they’ll be first in line to be taken care of when I’m Prime Minister.
To make sure I didn’t leave out anything important, I gave the boys in blue a call and asked them some questions about vehicle-related theft, and what they said was alarming. And enlightening. Firstly, the local constabulary informed me that Cat Burglars have diversified, in fact, now they’re leaving your cat alone altogether. Having realised that car keys and vehicles are more valuable than stolen felines. Whilst that’s great news for cats everywhere, it’s terrible news for vehicle owners.
Here’s what the 5-0 told me about keeping your keys and vehicle safe:
KEYS:
- Never label them with your details, license plate or home address.
- Don’t leave them in the ignition or in the vehicle.
- Don’t leave them easily accessible in public (such as in your bag or on the table at a cafe)
- Don’t leave them in an obvious place at home.
VEHICLES:
- Park in a well-lit street, if possible in clear view of a CCTV camera.
- Park off the street and in garages where possible.
- Don’t tempt thieves by leaving valuables in your vehicle.
- Lock it before you leave it!
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